In Which I Talk About Things I Won't Do

In writing, I mean. Everything else is on a case-by-case basis.

I am by no means an expert on erotic or romantic writing, but that just spurs me to study more about it and to pay attention. I read erotica, both very good and very, very, VERY bad, and from that I've gathered a few hard and fast rules for myself.

1. I will not confuse what I'm writing. There are differences between romance or other genres with erotic elements, erotica, and pure porn/smut/one-hand reading. Consider it a sort of erotica continuum with the raunchiest fuck story on one end, and a story that fades to black shortly after characters move to holding hands. It's easy to tell where a story is because of the proportion of words devoted to the erotic elements -- the more writing time devoted to describing any tab/slot/squishy noise interactions as opposed to plot elements, characterization, or scene setting, the closer to the smut end the story is. A writer should know what is going to predominate before the story is done, and if the story is not at just the spot the author desired, revision is required. Some of my favorite authors ceased to be favorite authors because they forgot this rule, and a story that started out with all the markers of a low erotica/high plot tale forgot all about the plot in favor of recounting bedroom Olympics.
   
2. I will not spell out noises. People can moan, scream, gurgle, or squawk like a parrot. Under no circumstances do any of these noises require placement between quotation marks. Spelling out cries of ecstasy is nearly guaranteed to make a reader laugh or roll their eyes heavenward. It is also difficult to tell a spelled out noise from a severe typo.
   
3. I will show, not tell. The command to 'show, not tell' echoes through every creative writing class. If ever a genre of writing absolutely required more showing than telling, it is erotic writing. Some of the worst stuff I have read had all the intensity and passion of instructions for building an office supply store book case because it was hardly more than a list of activities and facial expressions. Happily, they tended to be very short stories -- telling doesn't take nearly the time and effort painting a complete picture does.
4. I will not skip my research and ignore the details. The more sexually savvy your readers are, the more they are likely to get caught on some logical or factual error. I remember a very intense message board discussion when "Brokeback Mountain" came out. Several people decried the initial sex scene because it lacked any indication of lubrication and that just spoiled the moment. Believability took a hit, which affected the rest of the movie. If you are writing about a sexual activity with which you have no personal experience (oh yes, it happens -- erotic writers rarely live the lives they write about, just as few science fiction writers visit the moon or mystery writers deal with criminals. That's why it is fiction) either ask someone who has, or do some reading. There are many, MANY 'how to' sex books which can give you a solid idea of how something works. Don't let your reader think you are an idiot. (Some publishers also require references to safe sex practices or have restrictions on character age.)
5. I will not pick my 'dirty words' carelessly. Words for genitalia come in four flavors -- Latin derived scientific terms, babytalk, jokey crudeness or flowery euphemism. Your choice of which to use depends on several factors, including how your characters would talk, what audience you expect to read your work, and what kind of story you are writing. Sometimes the best you can do is pick a few words and use them with confidence and consistence. You'll want a handful of words and phrases that work for you so you aren't repeating yourself endlessly, but not so many choices that the reader doesn't know what you are talking about. The most problematic choices are the highly flowery phrases and the babytalk -- again, there's a big risk of losing credibility with your reader and causing unintended laughter if everyone talks like a three year old or everything pulses, throbs and glistens.

For these lessons, I turn in gratitude to the wisdom of Susie Bright (especially her book How to Write a Dirty Story), Cecilia Tan, Bill Noble, Lawrence Schimel, Laura Antoniou, and Pat Califia, among others. I hope I live up to what I learned.